I’ve noticed in my years as a Catholic choir member and now director for the past 9 years—there is a reoccurring theme of characters in every choir. No, not all choirs have these same characters—although some of these characters have multiple personalities! Here is my list of the most common “Catholic Choir Characters” I’ve run across over the years. Hopefully you will find this entertaining and maybe even add your own. Oh, and this is not an exhaustive listing by any means…just the most common in my experience.
By the way—all names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).
Cathy the Complainer – I have a dear friend who is the choir director in another town about 30 minutes away. She is a sweetheart “nice girl” and has the patience of Job. I know this because she has the mother of all “Cathy the Complainers” in her choir. Cathy seems like she really doesn’t want to be in the choir, so it always puzzles me as to why she even shows up since nothing seems to make her happy. A few common phrases from Cathy: “I don’t like that song”, “We used to sing it slower (or faster) at my last church”, “She sat in my seat! I always sit there”, “I won’t sit by [insert name here], she throws me off”, etc.
I think the bottom line with this lady is that she just wants some attention and will say about anything to get it. This person loves to drag everyone down with her and takes delight in doing so. Of course, she’s always there for every choir practice and liturgy!
True Confession: when I took my previous choir director position, the only stipulation was that “Cathy the Complainer” (I knew everyone in the choir) be asked to leave before I started. That was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. This particular lady was previously asked to leave the church choir by another choir director! Ouch!
Helpless Harriet - Harriet is a nice version of Cathy the Complainer or 
sometimes the two personalities morph into one super helpless-complainer monstrosity. Harriet never practices the music during the week. She is a long time choir member who can’t read music to save her life and is unwilling to try. When she arrives for our warm-up period before mass, she never has her music in order. In fact, the most common phrase heard from Harriet is, “You never gave me that music”. Harriet can also never sing her part unless she has a “strong alto or soprano” singing next to her. When her “crutch-singer” isn’t around, Harriet is—-well, helpless!
Terry the Triple Forte Tenor -Terry is the guy that sings everything as loud as he can. He knows he has a big voice and wants to share it with all of God’s creatures. Terry is the guy you place as far away from the choir microphones as possible because he can be heard throughout the church…including the basement! Another lovely character trait of Terry is that he loves to talk to his choir neighbors all throughout choir practice!
Ophelia the Opera Star – Ah—the female version of Terry. Ophelia at one time in her life had voice lessons and studies Italian arias. Ophelia’s vibrato is so wide and over-the-top that you could drive a trunk through it. One word Ophelia was never taught in voice lessons—blend!!!
Sophie the Soft Singer – I’ve been in the choir with Sophie for 25 years. I have yet to actually hear her sing! Much like Cathy the Complainer, Sophie never misses a choir practice or liturgy. Every choir practice I plead with her and her friends, Susan and Sarah (soft singers too!) to please sing out—use your diaphragm, stand up straight, get your head out of your music…they never do.
Late Larry - Late Larry and his counterpart Late Laura are always 15 to 30 minutes late for choir practice. I thought I would cure him one season by changing the choir practice start time to 7:30PM versus 7:00PM. You guessed it. Larry was still 15 to 30 minutes late. Of course, at the beginning of mass, I can always see Larry sneak in from the back and take his place during the processional.
Isaac the Itchy Instrumentalist – Isaac’s MO is that he can’t keep from fiddling on his guitar, drum, or whatever instrument happens to be in front of him before and sometimes during mass! What’s worse, when there is a beautiful instrumental being played by the keyboard player after communion, Isaac is right there trying his best to pick out the tune!!! I, of course, look like I’m swatting flies as I try to wave him off.
I better stop now. I hope you had fun reading this. You, of course, are not one of the above characters, right? And I do understand that choir directors are probably the most peculiar people out there. I’ll save my description of this breed of folk for another post.
Tony: you really did hit the nail on the head with the Choir Characters … I’m not quite sure how we’ve managed to have some of the same people in our choirs at the same time. I even suspect that I may have inherited “Cathy” from you at some point.
(note: I suspect that your “Dicussion Categories” on the side panel are really for discussion — or perhaps the name was changed to protect our innocence.)
Nice job on the blog! Look forward to more!
Alan
Hi Tony,
I joined our church choir as a guitarist about 6 weeks ago. I practiced long and hard, but just couldn’t keep up with everyone else. This week I sent myself down to the minor leagues so as not to be a drag on the rest of the choir. I’m going to work on music theory and speed and see if I can rejoin the choir in the future.
Ed